I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
