We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
