i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
