I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dicks are not precious.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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