i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am mentally ready for anal.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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