thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
