if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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