So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
