just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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