I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
