I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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