No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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