I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
