I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
