my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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