So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him