The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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