i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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