there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
