i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
