someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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