I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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