I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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