you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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