I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
