I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
