4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i love accidental penises.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
