so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
