Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
