I think I just saw someone hide a body.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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