if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
