I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
