running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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