apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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