Whod you bang
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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