apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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