his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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