I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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