i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
