ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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