I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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