I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
