As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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