I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
