Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
