Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
