Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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