guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
