Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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