apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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