Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
