We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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