We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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