um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
