Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
