my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
